On Flirting

July 9, 1998
by C. S. Wyatt

Measuring, flirting, dating, mating, marriage… divorce. That’s the process we have come to expect in our social lives. It is reasonable to suggest that all human relations lasting more than five seconds — no, the flirting might begin sooner than that. The problem is that men and women don’t always understand flirting. Some master the art, but most are rank amateurs.

Flirting often begins as soon as the first measures are taken. For men, the measures are simple: is she attractive, smart, or both? Actually, many men stop at the first concern, assuming that if a woman is too smart she might have the good sense to run. Why are these the two measures men use?

According to anthropologists humans seek to further the species, consciously or not. It has been presumed attractive mates produce attractive, and presumably healthy, offspring with increased chances for survival. As for intellect, it is an important survival trait but men assume physical attributes are enough. Not only is this how men measure women, but they tend to measure each other in terms of physical ideals. Men would much rather be friends with an NFL running back than an accountant. It impresses women a lot more, too.

Women look for a male of high social rank, these same scientists theorize. Power, it seems, is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Most men lack any real social rank, so they do what comes naturally: they fake it or work out all day at the gym. To fake social rank, men assume great titles, such as Assistant Director of Internal Communications. As such, the mailroom runner becomes middle management.

Because the first measures must be superficial, they often lead to flirting in error. It is not uncommon for a man or woman to flirt with someone who does not measure up properly. Errors are revealed quickly when the man cannot pronounce items on the menu or the woman’s collagen lips deflate during the meal.

Assuming the target of affection does qualify, flirting continues. Thankfully, we have two very useful sources for information on flirting: scientific research and women’s magazines. Science has learned a great deal about flirting, but the real important facts are in the pages of Cosmo and New Woman.

Male flirting is basic. First, you look and see if the woman either lets you notice her or if she gives you the “Stop undressing me with your eyes” signal. Some women fail to see the importance of this. If you allow a male to admire you, he assumes you are interested. Ignoring male glances leads to the perception you like the attention. Actually, even if you like the attention, make him stop anyway. If you like the guy and he persists, you know he is serious. If you do not like him, you can safely use a witty insult and move along.

Next, we males proceed to the accidental or friendly touch. Accidental touch is a favorite, as it allows contact with those items of Oedipal lust: the breasts. Unfortunately, some contact really is accidental or friendly, so women cannot easily determine a man’s objective unless the touch becomes a pattern. By then, he already has too many ideas to be let down easily!

Flirting methods, which follow the touch, include lowering the voice and waxing poetic. Men lowering their voices tend to sound silly at best; it is a combination deepening and whispering tone. It is possible to confuse this tone with a slight cold or the effects of too many cigarettes. Men, failing to realize we all cannot sound like James Earl Jones, maintain this effect until we forget to… our voices return to their normal unimpressive pitches. Waxing poetic, as most males view poetry, results in the infamous “pick up lines” we all know too well. Instead of insulting the reading with a list of these lines, I shall continue to the final step.

The final step in flirting offering to pay for things. This allows the man to demonstrate he is capable to caring for the female. Women, you should never, never let a man pay for anything or buy you something unless you like him. You see, a man and his money are soon parted in the name of flirting, dating, marriage, and divorce. If a man finds a woman attractive he doesn’t have to know her form more than five minutes before he offers to pay for the drinks or dinner. Letting a man pay might make financial sense, but it sends a clear message to the man: I’m interested. The mailroom runner is soon parting with two years’ pay, trying to impress a beautiful account executive. Hmm. Maybe that's why she’s an account executive?

Most of us men learn about how we should flirt, and how women flirt, by reading our mothers’, sisters’, and friends’ magazines while they are not looking. We make lame excuses, such as, “There was nothing else to read.” What have I learned about female flirting? It is much more subtle and effective than male flirting. Of course men don’t have three dozen magazines dedicated to the topic for proper training. Cosmo tells us we are simple, so we are. Where did you think we learned women like to be stared at? From the article, “How to get your legs noticed.”

Women begin flirting by preparing their attire and physical presence. The idea is to expose flesh, but not too much. The trend today is to show a bra strap, too. The exposed strap or top lace of the cup is meant to tease, obviously, but it is also some sort of style statement we men don’t understand. The idea is to make the strap look almost accidental. This leads to a game of cat and mouse. “Does she know I’m looking?” “Does he know that I know he is looking?”

Once caught in the act of looking, a woman will either give you “the look” to cease and desist, or glance away with an “embarrassed” grin in acceptance of your compliment. Personally, I have more experience with the “spill my drink while distracted” effect. This is not good, men, as it not only reveals you were looking, but shows you have no ability to remember where your drink was. It’s now marking your crotch and you have to leave the club early.

If the woman allows the man to the next step, semi-scripted conversation follows. The man tries to be witty, the woman giggles quietly to avoid snorting sounds, and the ritual moves along. Men should not tell off-color jokes and women should not giggle at a man’s profession.

The next step, according to my stolen glances at New Woman, is to ask the man for some kind of assistance. I’ve only recognized this a few times, mainly because I am a helpful kind of guy. I never think twice about helping someone with bags, picking up a dropped item, or in some other way acting chivalrous. It was a girlfriend who first told me, “Didn’t you see her drop that on purpose?” No. (That, by the way, was the wrong answer.)

Finally, from the woman, comes praise. Women praise men much like we praise our pets. We know pets will do anything for a kind word — and men will, too. “You really know a lot about mail processing” is faint praise, but it’ll do for a man.

My personal opinion is that we should avoid flirting at all costs. I know the species must continue, or at least that’s what we are biologically wired to think. Still, the dating that follows requires the mastery of far too many rules, and they are quite complex. No flirting means fewer problems.

In Summary, women, I beg you not to let a man look at, touch, speak to, or spend money on you unless you truly like him and desire to be with him. Even then, you might think twice about letting him flirt with you until you know his true social standing — we all present more than we are.

Men, do not be seduced by the embarrassed grins, light giggles, pleas for assistance, or adoring praise. They are well-armed with information, these women. We can only sneak a page or two of Cosmo; they read the whole thing and dozens more. Men are never in charge… they only let us think we are. Flirt at your own risk!

Mail comments and suggestions to: cswyatt@tameri.com

These works may be reproduced mechanically or electronically in whole or part on the condition that the author is acknowledged as C. S. Wyatt. These works may not be modified.