{"id":1312,"date":"2008-02-08T17:47:00","date_gmt":"2008-02-09T05:47:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.tameri.com\/wordpress\/autisticme\/?p=1312"},"modified":"2023-11-26T16:34:43","modified_gmt":"2023-11-26T22:34:43","slug":"difficulties-and-will-power","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.tameri.com\/autisticme\/2008\/02\/08\/difficulties-and-will-power\/","title":{"rendered":"Difficulties and Will Power"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>It would be an understatement to write that my time in <strong>Minnesota has been a challenge<\/strong>. After this most miserable, humiliating week, I spent today wondering if I am capable of finishing my university program. My self-doubt and self-criticism were familiar to me, and to my wife. It is depressing, for lack of a better word, to feel isolated from the university, my peers, and even my instructors.<\/p>\n<p><strong>When a professor or a peer seems to dismiss me, I need to rebuild myself<\/strong>. I need to prove to myself that I am not worthless simply because I lack social skills. I should not be ignored simply because my mind is so atypical.<\/p>\n<p>My wife, loving and caring person that she is, reminds me that others do benefit from my existence. My words do help other people. My impulse to say what I think might shock and even offend, but maybe what I am driven to express needs to be said by someone like me.<\/p>\n<p>I do become defensive, in order to salvage my own sense of worth. I need to remind myself that I am not only intelligent, but rather literally a &#8220;genius&#8221; on some IQ scales. It helps, sadly, to know I\u2019m not stupid or incapable. (At some point it became politically incorrect to use the term &#8220;genius&#8221; and I was then &#8220;exceptional&#8221; or &#8220;superior&#8221; \u2014 which seem even stranger than &#8220;genius&#8221; to me.) Anyway, I have to be elite somehow. I need to feel like I have some special value, or I would surrender to the negativity. Silly, childish, and egocentric, I need my Mensa card to remind me that I am not worthless.<\/p>\n<p>This need for self-affirmation is not ideal, but I need the extrinsic. I need someone else, some other group, an external measure, to reassure myself that any wounds to my ego are temporary. It isn&#8217;t conceit that compels me to these external validations \u2014 it is the perceived insults of others. It is the need to remind myself that I am equal to those around me, even if I lack some skills that would certainly improve my life.<\/p>\n<p>Sometimes, <strong>I wish for a brain that was silent<\/strong>. I have tried meditation. I have tried to control myself&#8230; but without success lately. There are simply too many external stimuli for me to relax. As a result, I am in physical and mental &#8220;overload&#8221; in this environment. That other people cannot accept my limitations makes me feel like an alien, an outsider, and even an intruder.<\/p>\n<p>This leaves me with nothing but my external validations. My wife telling me I&#8217;m worth something, especially to her (and the cats) helps me push ahead. Autism mailing lists and newsgroups remind me these feelings of awkwardness are part of who I am. Mensa discussions also remind me that I am, for lack of a better word, disabled. I am atypical \u2014 but that&#8217;s not a bad thing.<\/p>\n<p>These are the random thoughts of someone fighting to stay and work and succeed in an environment that values the very skills I lack: the social, the interpersonal, the human. I am torn between wishing I were normal and trying to assert that my difference, my curious brain, is special and valuable. If there were no people like me, the world would not be a better place.<\/p>\n<p>In fact, I believe <strong>something would be lacking without us odd, weird, alien, geniuses<\/strong>. So I refuse to surrender. I will prove myself equal to the challenges. I must.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It would be an understatement to write that my time in Minnesota has been a challenge. After this most miserable, humiliating week, I spent today wondering if I am capable of finishing my university program. My self-doubt and self-criticism were familiar to me, and to my wife. It is depressing,&#8230;<\/p>\n<div class=\"more-link-wrapper\"><a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.tameri.com\/autisticme\/2008\/02\/08\/difficulties-and-will-power\/\">Continue Reading<span class=\"screen-reader-text\">Difficulties and Will Power<\/span> <i class=\"fas fa-angle-right\"><\/i><\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":4014,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"iawp_total_views":15,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4,7,11],"tags":[244,325,385,393,468,635],"class_list":["post-1312","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-education","category-health","category-relationships","tag-education","tag-graduate-school","tag-intelligence","tag-iq","tag-minnesota","tag-sensory-overload","entry"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.0 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Difficulties and Will Power - The Autistic Me<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.tameri.com\/autisticme\/2008\/02\/08\/difficulties-and-will-power\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Difficulties and Will Power - The Autistic Me\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"It would be an understatement to write that my time in Minnesota has been a challenge. 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