The future scares me.\u00a0The Pessimistic Me dominates my internal deliberations when I try to prepare for the future.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m an odd mix of pessimist and optimist, which isn\u2019t easy to explain. A friend said that\u2019s true of other creators and entrepreneurs. Yes, I gamble on the future, but I prepare for the worst.<\/p>\n
The past offers evidence that things will go wrong.<\/strong><\/p>\n I\u2019ve written and\u00a0spoken on the difficulty of being trapped in the past. I struggle with past\u00a0events in my life, unable to let go and move on. I must actively avoid\u00a0triggers, which isn\u2019t easy. You might read some of those past blog posts.<\/p>\n Yet, I also live\u00a0with constant fear and dread of the future\u2026 because of the past.<\/p>\n Tomorrow won\u2019t be great. Something bad will happen. I will make a horrible mistake. I won\u2019t be\u00a0able to handle the stress. The Autistic Me will fail, yet again, as events\u00a0cause sensory, physical, and emotional overload.<\/p>\n The bad memories,\u00a0traumas, and failures of the past lead my mind to construct negative scenarios\u00a0of what will happen.<\/p>\n Frozen Anxiety<\/strong><\/p>\n Consider the example of winter. I dread winter. I start dreading the next winter shortly after the snow melts.<\/strong><\/p>\n Thank goodness we moved to Central Texas because my dread of winter was consuming a lot of energy.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not an\u00a0exaggeration to say that every winter in Minnesota or Pennsylvania, I suffered at least one minor injury related to ice and snow. Every single winter, I ended\u00a0up with bruises, sprains, cracks, and broken bones. The weather contributed The past fed my\u00a0anxiety, making it difficult to go outside the house. I anticipated the pain of\u00a0torn corneas. I expected to slip and bruise my ribs \u2014 or worse, break\u00a0something. The stress reached a point that I would be awake throughout the\u00a0night, worried about having to go to work in cold weather.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t have\u00a0seasonal affective disorder. I know several people with SAD. No, I am worried\u00a0about the seasonal emergency room visits. I have a seasonal ER anxiety disorder.<\/p>\n During the winter,\u00a0I want to remain in bed, safe from the outside hazards. But, I don\u2019t sleep\u00a0well because, eventually, I\u2019ll need to go outside, walk, drive, navigate stairs, and try my best to delay the inevitable accident.\u00a0I\u2019d like to sleep\u00a0so my mind might escape the anxiety.<\/p>\n Many variables\u00a0contribute to my insomnia. Fear of the day ahead is part of a circular anxiety.\u00a0I look back and cannot let go of the failures of the day behind me. The past \u00a0feeds my fear of the next day.\u00a0Impending doom\u00a0ruins my sleep. It also makes the days long.<\/p>\n Anxiety, for the Years Ahead<\/strong><\/p>\n It\u2019s one thing to dread winter for nine months, starting in March or April, but another to worry about events years or even a decade off in the future.<\/p>\n When I was in elementary school, I was already worried about getting into college, so I pushed myself to do the best I could. I was simultaneously giving up on going to college while I was working to have the best grades and test scores.<\/p>\n In college, I worried I wouldn\u2019t graduate. That was a valid fear. The anxiety was overwhelming from the day I moved into the dorms. I struggled, constantly anticipating disaster.<\/p>\n When I start I job, I anticipate it ending. I can\u2019t assume a job will just \u201cbe\u201d year after year, because so far my jobs have ended badly. My negative academic and employment experiences probably contribute to future failures.<\/p>\n When things are going well, my anxiety increases as I anticipate the eventual moment of failure. I know I\u2019m going to collapse. I know something will go wrong while interacting with people. Life is only good between disasters.<\/p>\n When you fear the future and live with anxiety, there\u2019s a horrible tendency to sabotage yourself.\u00a0I expect things to go wrong in relationships, at work, as a parent, and in every other aspect of life.<\/p>\n
\ndirectly to painful and serious eye damage in Minnesota, so I live with a daily\u00a0reminder that winter will be disastrous.<\/p>\n