One of the difficult lessons for aspiring writers is that realistic dialogue sounds strange to readers and audiences. What is realistic does not seem authentic.
Do not write dialogue that mirrors the way people speak. Nobody will enjoy reading the dialogue in a book and nobody wants to hear authentic speech from characters on a screen.
When students doubt me on this rule, I ask them to transcribe a real, natural conversation and then ask someone to read the text. Oddly enough we cannot easily follow the same type of interactions we have constantly in person.
Most of us interact in a series of fragments, mis-matched subject-verb patterns, and verbal ticks. When I transcribe interviews, I’m stunned by how poorly many great writers speak. And then I hear my side of the conversations and want to cringe.
An snippet from a recent interview, before editing:
Writer: So, you know, when I’m writing about police — or maybe it some other, I don’t know, maybe it’s a federal agent. Anyone from law enforcement. They have these mannerisms that intimidates, right? They, like, so often, scare people with their voices and, have you watched how they even stand closer to you? Right? Police do this speaking too close, way closer, thing.
The writer can write and does speak well, but an unedited transcript demonstrates how even a gifted communicator doesn’t speak in fluid paragraphs.
Clean up and edit the words of your characters. That does not mean that you cannot include a few “um, so” phrases to suggest a character is nervous, but limit such devices in your dialogue.
Omitting dialogue improves most fiction. We say a lot of things in daily life nobody needs to read. It was a running gag in the original Dragnet that Sgt. Friday’s partners would talk about mundane aspects of life. (“I planted some scallions yesterday. Some people call them onions.”) Remember that a story needs to move along quickly, with purpose. Remove the empty dialogue that doesn’t reveal aspects of character essential to the story.
Writing involves omitting most things people actually do in life, including what we say.