Last updated on November 26, 2023
Many of the autistic writers with children I’ve read were diagnosed later in life. For some, it was the diagnosis of a child that led to their diagnosis. These autistic adults had “Aha!” moments as they tried to help their children obtain appropriate supports and services.
People commenting on the books, blogs, and articles by these autistic parents tend to express sympathy. Some commenters even express thoughts along the lines of “If only you had known before starting a family….”
I have always known I am cognitively different. The autism diagnosis was new in 2007, but not the symptoms. My wife has been through the worst of my cognitive challenges and the mental health issues I’d attribute to neurodiversity.
My wife is the most amazing person I know.
Deciding to start a family was scary enough as 40-something professionals who had struggled to feel stable and secure. Then, our plans had to change for medical reasons.
My introverted wife and the autistic me decided to consider adoption. There was a year of training. Background checks. A lot of worry and self-doubts about our preparedness for parenthood.
Then, we became foster-adopt parents. It’s incredible enough that my wife and I managed to become a traditional exurban home-owning couple. To become parents was a leap of faith in ourselves.
People have expressed “concerns” about our choice to be parents.
- “Autistics cannot really form the bonds children need.”
- “Autistics cannot deal with the noises, messes, and general chaos children create.”
- “Autistics cannot be trusted to provide for the needs of children.”
The general claim is that my needs will take precedence over the needs of our children. The irony is that foster children enter the system because neglectful parents placed their desires over the needs of children.
Yes, we are “loners” who like to read quietly by the fireplace. Routines and schedules give us a certain security. We are definitely over-achievers and perfectionists, prone to expecting far too much of ourselves. There’s no question I have sensory processing issues, migraines, ADHD, and other challenges.
Children are often everything we’re not — and we knew that when we made the choice to become parents.
In some ways, our personalities might be ideal for foster-to-adopt children. They need stability. They need routines. The services and supports they need require organization and planning. We approach parenting the way we approach our jobs. It might not seem like the warm and fuzzy relationship others expect, but it is loving and caring.
Believing that disabled individuals have no right to be parents is discriminatory. It is judgmental and misinformed.
I’m not a perfect parent. Nobody is. But I am extremely aware of my shortcomings and try to address those.
Because we made a choice to become parents, I believe there might be a book proposal in this experience. There are plenty of books about parenting autistic children. There are books on discovering one is autistic, and some of those books are by autistic parents. But, there are few books about actively analyzing the decision and committing to being a parent as an autistic individual.
We love our daughters and they make us better people. Plus, you experience life differently as a parent.