Last updated on November 26, 2023
Podcast Episode 0039; Season 04, Episode 03; September 15, 2020
I’ve always been anxious. I was probably born anxious. Is that an autistic trait? It seems to be one I share with most autistics I meet.
An Anxious Autistic Me, Aging
Welcome to The Autistic Me Podcast. I am Christopher Scott Wyatt, speaking as The Autistic Me.
Our next episode will be something special, as I’m joined by the quirky, witty, caffeinated, and bearded Australian media personality Ben Sorensen. Be sure to catch that episode and follow Ben at BenSorensen1 on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. That’s B-E-N S-O-R-E-N-S-E-N Number One on social media.
I appreciate blog and podcast topic suggestions via Facebook and Twitter. Just look for Autistic Me and follow along.
Once again, our topic comes from a Facebook follower. The question was if I experience anxiety in general, beyond social situations, and has that anxiety changed over time.
Anxiety? I am anxious most of the time I’m awake. I might even be anxious in my sleep. I’m definitely anxious before falling asleep.
I worry constantly. Even when I’m enjoying myself, I’m worrying.
Blogging causes me stress. I don’t post enough. I worry my posts aren’t good enough. The podcast added more doubts about The Autistic Me. The podcast requires more time, and more energy when I’m already doing too much most weeks.
People tell me they enjoy my speaking appearances, but I’m anxious before speaking. I worry about everything, waiting for the audience to realize I have nothing valuable to share.
Teaching causes significant anxiety. Every aspect of teaching causes stress: the course design, the lectures, the discussions, the grading. I hate grading.
I experience horrible test anxiety. Not just test anxiety, but homework anxiety and class anxiety. I’m nervous when I’m a student, to the point of feeling sick many days. What will I do wrong? What will I say that offends the teacher or classmates? Will I experience sensory overload?
Homework and tests are just failures, waiting to happen. The anxiety is why I check and double-check — no, triple check — my work.
I hate the test anxiety, but it also turns out to be an advantage.
I’ve passed a long list of technology certifications and teaching subject exam clearances. Each and every time, I’ve been certain I failed miserably, and consistently I score in the top ten percent or better. Sometimes, I’ve scored in the top one or two percent. Yet, for the weeks between taking the tests and receiving my scores, I was certain the report would be bad news.
My self-doubt and insecurities lead to severe imposter syndrome. Whatever I am doing, I anticipate failure and disappointment.
The most difficult choice we’ve made is to become parents.
Can two anxious, self-doubting, perfectionists be good parents?
Parenting is one anxiety-inducing day after another. I love being a parent; I hate worrying if we are making the right choices for our daughters.
I don’t want our daughters to always feel this sense of dread that I have.
Positive people do better in life. A positive extrovert ends up successful. A negative introvert ends up a hermit, suffering from analysis paralysis.
Optimists seem lucky to me. Or ignorant. I envy them, but I don’t understand optimism. How can anyone assume things will work out okay?
To answer the Facebook follower’s question, I should have changed over time. I should have stopped pursuing several of my goals. I should have stopped rushing towards one failure after another.
Passing courses and passing exams hasn’t led to a career in teaching. Passing technical certifications hasn’t led to a career in industry. I cobble together temporary and short-term jobs, along with efforts at self-employment.
The strange thing is, I don’t give up. I’m cautious and anxious, but I push myself to keep trying what seems impossible or at best improbable.
Career failures, business failures, personal failures. Giving up would have been reasonable, especially for someone who experiences non-stop anxiety.
As a child, as a teenager, and as an adult, I have walked away when I needed to, just remain sane. I had to walk away from teachers and bosses who were toxic. I’ve had to protect myself, and that has led to what others might consider failure.
But I don’t quit. I don’t surrender to the anxiety.
Everything I do requires facing the anxiety and pushing it aside.
When I was little, I was so anxious at night that I would wrap myself up like a mummy in my sheets. I worried about everything. I worried about going to sleep and I worried about waking up. Waiting to fall asleep, I’d run through all the bad things that might happen tomorrow or the next day or the next.
Sometimes the anxiety fades for a few weeks, but it returns.
I struggle to sleep. Is it insomnia? I don’t know. Every minute I don’t sleep is another minute of anxiety.
Too many autistics I know feel the same gnawing, exhausting anxiety. The anxiety can lead to depression. Too often, it does. Friends have fought depression, and I know it is darker and scarier than my anxiety.
I am afraid of depression. The anxiety that I might be depressed would compel me to seek help. How ironic is it that anxiety protects my physical and mental health?
Yes, thanks to anxiety, I’m a hypochondriac. The fear of not living as long as I can, the fear of not waking up, leads me to exercise. Anxiety is why I have my annual physical. It’s why I monitor my blood sugar and take any prescribed medications. I want to wake up for many years to come.
When I wake up, I still feel the anxiety. I still worry about what will go wrong that day. The anxiety doesn’t vanish.
Throughout the years, I beat the anxiety by convincing myself there was always at least a slight chance of something good in my life.
In the mornings, I am glad to wake up in a nice house, with my wife and children nearby. The anxiety doesn’t matter because I cannot let it matter too much. I have too many good things in my life to let the anxiety win.
Anxiety haunts me, yes. It causes good moments to fade quickly. But, there are good moments and those keep me pushing ahead. Day after day.
As I mentioned at the start of this podcast, I recently talked to Ben Sorensen and will post that podcast next. The hours I spent chatting with Ben was an example of the good things in my life.
The opportunity to meet Ben comes from The Autistic Me Podcast and blog. The same podcast and blog I worry might not be good enough.
That’s the anxiety of being The Autistic Me.
Remember that we are on Facebook. My wife and I monitor The Autistic Me on Facebook, @AutisticMe on Twitter, and, of course, we have The Autistic Me blog, which is easy to find using Google or Bing.
I am Christopher Scott Wyatt, speaking as The Autistic Me.
Thank you for listening.
- Blog: https://www.tameri.com/autisticme/
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/autisticme/
- Twitter: https://twitter.com/autisticme
- YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/CSWyatt
- Podcast: https://autisticme.libsyn.com/