Last updated on November 26, 2023
My work has to be perfect. My grades need to be excellent. I dislike mistakes, especially my own. I am a perfectionist, and that’s not a good quality.
Anyone trying to turn perfectionism into a positive isn’t really a perfectionist. I hate when people use “I’m a perfectionist” as the faux “negative” trait during job interviews.
Perfectionism leads me to discard weeks, months, or years of work. It paralyzes me when I experiment with hobbies. There’s no “good enough” for me. If I’m trying to play music, it needs to be very good, not okay or good enough. If I’m cooking, I’ll throw out food that isn’t right.
When I have spoken about perfectionism to teachers and guardians, too many are surprised that it can be debilitating. There’s a misconception that perfectionism stops with the “A” or even “A+” grade. It doesn’t stop there.
I’ve blogged before about how my self-doubt and insecurity leads me to over-prepare for tests. That fear of failure has helped me, but it comes with a high price. A perfectionist doesn’t relax.
Until my junior year of high school, I had to have the highest grade in every class, on every assignment. Eventually, I came to realize I could pace myself and earn the score I wanted, higher or lower than someone else. Yes, I would score an “A” but not the highest score.
My undergraduate degrees were traumatic.
My identity was linked to being the best of the best, the student with various academic awards and recognitions. In the honors program at a major university, I was average among those peers… at best.
Unlike other people, I didn’t have the social skills to enjoy the culture of college life. I was on the school newspaper staff and to this day people don’t remember I was a reporter and columnist. (I saved the clips, so at least I have the evidence.)
What was I if I wasn’t an outstanding student? If I wasn’t a section editor on the newspaper staff? If I was merely one of many programmers and consultants in univeristy computing services?
I felt like a failure in college. I still feel like a failure most days.
This isn’t about comparing myself to others, though that doesn’t help. It’s that I know, deep down, that I can and should always do much better on any given task.
No matter how valid the reason is for not being perfect, I dismiss it as an excuse.
Throughout three graduate degree programs, I earned one B+ grade, and that was because I was taking a statistics final right after two eye surgeries and wasn’t in a good place for speed reading or writing.
Think about it. I could not see, had been through various medical procedures, was diagnosed with anemia, and I still wasn’t happy with passing the hardest class I have ever taken.
Perfectionism isn’t merely wanting to be good… it is needing to be perfect. It is hating yourself, despising yourself, because there’s no acceptable reason for not scoring 100 on every test, not playing every note perfectly, not being the best at something.
I am haunted by two grades, even though I know I did my best in those courses under the circumstances. Yet, I cannot reason with myself.
Perfectionism is a weakness. It’s a disability. It prevents people from accepting themselves.
Parents and teachers need to take the problems of perfectionism seriously. It’s not enough to tell a student that missing a point or two is okay. Don’t assume the student is going to “get over it” with time.
The Neurodiverse struggle in ways that lead to imperfect work. Being an autistic perfectionist can be a miserable experience.