Last updated on November 26, 2023
We have made the decision to continue with homeschooling, for many reasons. It’s frustrating, but we know the girls are doing much better academically and emotionally at home.
Our daughters are going into the fourth and second grades.
I’m conflicted because I know how important social skills are… and I know I never developed them sufficiently to have a career. At least I can be home, teaching the girls.
Educators call the social aspects of school the “Hidden Curriculum.” These are the “soft skills” valued by our extrovert-dominated society.
I understand that social skills are how the world works. That doesn’t make it right for my daughters or me.
As an autistic, watching my girls end up following my educational path doesn’t feel reassuring. By junior high, I was walking out of classrooms when bored or annoyed, walking away from peers and teachers. In high school, some of my studies were independent. In college, I was independent study through much of graduate school.
It’s not that I want social interactions. It’s that I know the social skills are why I’m at home with the girls instead of within academia or industry using my odd mix of skills.
My daughters are not excited by the prospect of returning to school in the fall. Not in the least. Not interested in joining anything social. Not thrilled by the prospect of spending time at the “wiggle table” again for not being able to sit still.
The girls are only slightly interested in going back to school after being homeschooled. The prospect of dealing with peers is causing all sorts of anxiety. That tells us that no matter how much we’ve tried to help them, social situations have been a nightmare.
I’m ambivalent about returning them to campus once it seems safer.
I know social skills matter. I know they can be faked… and I know how damaging that’s been to my health.
I wanted the girls to be “better” with people. That’s not happening, no matter what my wife and I have tried: gymnastics, soccer, Girl Scouts, swimming, etc. Nope. The girls became (slightly) more aware that they aren’t like other kids. And I can’t explain it to them… yet. Sensing you’re different and excluded, but not understanding why, confuses children.
The theory that socializing benefits autistic and otherwise different children assumes that being bullied by teachers, peers, and even parent volunteers is a great way to prepare for life. Bullying described as “therapy” has been the worst kind. Funny how things didn’t change much from my youth.
Act normal. Sure. More than 50 years of trying to act normal and now I’ve had to deal with therapists telling us our children need to be around “normal” children to learn how to fit in better in a world dominated by extroverts and group work.
If the girls eventually want friends, fine. If not, that’s okay. We tried soccer. Swimming. Scouts. Other things. Nope. Just more and more frustration. Now, preparing for second and fourth grades… trying to reassure them we won’t be signing up for anything they don’t want to do.
Among the worst parenting moments have been when experts try to tell me, “Parents don’t always understand the need for social skills.” After years of that, I now just bluntly tell them: Ph.D. autistic autism researcher with multiple teaching clearances and graduate degrees. Trained in various therapies as a foster parent. Endured those therapies. Not interested in being told I have no clue how valuable social skills are.
When the girls do return to public school, my wife and I plan to be more assertive with the IEPs and what our daughters do and don’t “need” from the school experience. Otherwise, back to homeschooling where they’ve thrived without the social problems and anxieties.
Social skills? Maybe find an autism social group. Or not. Let the child be your guide, not the experts. I’m supposedly an expert… and don’t claim to know what’s right for any student. I dislike most current pedagogical and therapeutical practices. Let your child guide you. Not those of us with credentials and fancy degrees. The child is the only real expert. I have to remind myself, my autism isn’t my daughters’ neurodiversity, either.
Homeschooling for another year will give us time to transition to whatever the new post-pandemic normal might be. More importantly, it allows us to meet the academic and emotional needs of our daughters.