February 2024 is almost over and I haven’t managed to release a podcast episode with a guest since October 2023, nearly four months ago. The best I could do was a quick podcast on how busy we are, which I recorded in December out of a sense of guilt and frustration.
My health isn’t great. I’m exhausted and burnt out by my schedule, mostly because the commute is difficult. Our family doctor says I’m experiencing a stress reaction, raising my blood sugar and contributing to persistent headaches.
When I am home, I want to sleep. The last thing I want to do is to stare at a computer screen and edit audio for the podcast. Even typing a short blog post becomes a chore when my vision has a yellowish tint and a fisheye lens effect. The vision is a symptom of headaches.
Since spending time in a hospital bed, stuck in ICU, thanks to what began as a headache, I now have a well-earned fear of severe headaches. Few pains are as severe as a subdural hematoma. That’s a headache I cannot forget. A few times this year, the headaches felt closer to that pain than to my previous migraines. Thankfully, the doctor believes I am only over-stressed — surely better than bleeding internally.
To cover the cost of driving, I accepted overload courses in the fall and this spring. I’ll have taught a “5/5 load” with more than 130 students each semester. That’s a lot of grading. And I taught the overload while working on three different academic projects. Teaching at a major university opened the door to getting published again.
I enjoy teaching. I like having a job. I appreciate that I can publish academic articles. I’m overproductive for a job that doesn’t require scholarly output or service. I’m not productive as a creative writer, blogger, or autism advocate this year.
Is the price of commuting worth the pride of having a job at a university? Is my self-worth too linked to a career path that was itself a second choice? (I wanted to write before I considered any other career path.)
Texas is huge. It takes 12 hours to drive from Houston to the West Texas border. The university is 114 miles or more away from our house (depending on the road closures and conditions). I make the drive three days a week this term and will need to do the same this fall. Drive three hours. Teach for two. Drive home in about two to three hours. I’m averaging 750 miles per week, more than five hours a day, in my SUV. I’m wasting between fifteen and eighteen hours driving to and from work.
I wanted to teach. I want this job. It’s the path I had left to claim any sort of career.
But, I’m tired. I’m not a good parent right now. I’m not a good partner.
It isn’t that life is horrible. I have a job and I’m earning money to help the family. I have a career-ish thing that I don’t want to lose or give up.
Still, I need a better balance because I regret not maintaining this blog, my other blogs, the podcast, my creative writing, and some other interests. I need to have a life beyond teaching, grading, and driving.
I needed to post something, though, and I wanted to let readers know why I’ve been offline for months.
Anyway, I’ll be back. The podcast will return. I have many episodes recorded that need to be released. Please be patient. Thank you.