Last updated on November 26, 2023
Podcast Episode 0060; Season 04, Episode 24; March 16, 2021
Productive. I want to be productive. More precisely, I want to know I am contributing to our family by producing work that earns an income.
I’m one of the 85% of autistic adults with a college degree and no full-time employment. That’s our reality. Don’t tell me we are accepted. Don’t tell me everything is better with an education. The degree merely proves I’m capable, not that I have the social skills necessary to navigate most workplaces. Change is needed. It’s too late for me, but not the next generation.
Transcript
Welcome to The Autistic Me Podcast. I am Christopher Scott Wyatt, speaking as The Autistic Me.
I know that The Autistic Me rarely seems upbeat when it comes to employment and careers. Three decades have passed since I completed my undergraduate degrees. Experience is now more than anecdotal evidence.
Most autistic adults are unemployed or underemployed, including a stunning 85 percent of autistic college graduates.
Many of us come to the realization that we must create our own careers. Yet, that’s not easy when autism’s primary diagnostic criteria are severe, life-limiting social skills and communication deficits.
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder used to be how I understood myself. ADHD, or whatever was wrong with me, led to 24-hour writing and programming marathons. Most nights, I’d sit at my desk working well past midnight.
In college, I’d work at the computing center after hours. Eventually, I was loaned a DEC VT-102 terminal and allowed to play with mainframes at all hours.
I don’t like doing nothing. I’m a creator and a dreamer… but not a very good follower.
Long before my diagnostic label changed to autism, I understood that entrepreneurship was one path forward. However, without social skills those efforts imploded at great cost to others, including my wife.
Consulting? That also requires social skills, or a business partner with social skills. Freelancing isn’t much easier, since you still need to be good at the pitch. Networking is key, and I struggle with the interpersonal connections. In an ideal world, a consulting firm would realize my odd mix of skills would benefit others. Maybe the next generation of autistics will be so fortunate.
Yes, I have taught. I am a good teacher. I’m not skilled at the faculty lounge. When I teach online, at least I am spared the quicksand of interacting with coworkers and supervisors.
What’s left to me then? Why can’t I harness all the energy I have?
I must create something people will want, and I have to find a way to market that creation.
Despite all the time I spend being busy there’s nothing to show for it.
Busy is not the same as productive. If I’ve been busy all my life, I still haven’t been productive.
I hate feeling unproductive, yet I often believe I am not producing as much as I could be or should be during my waking hours. This belief that I could have done more with my time connects back to my experiences as a gifted and talented student.
I’m not sure if the program name was unique to our region or school district, but the gifted and talented education program was called “GATE.”
Gifted education teachers might fall into four categories: the cheerleaders, the hard-nosed coaches, the best buddies, and the overwhelmed nannies. The cheerleaders tell you anything is possible because you’re special. The coaches call you lazy and scream about not working to your potential. The best buddies just let you work quietly and point you in the right direction. The overwhelmed nannies have no idea why they were given these students who could teach the class.
The signals get mixed up and after eight to 12 years of contradictory messages, the voices of the teachers all merge into one: you can do anything… if only you tried harder… the answers are out there… but don’t ask so many questions.
Take the internalized chatter of teachers and mix in my neurodiverse traits and overall personality.
I know I’m capable, eager to learn, and able to focus for hours on end. Given the right setting and supports, I’ll burn myself out being both busy and productive.
When I cannot focus and be productive? I dislike myself, intensely.
If I cannot produce something, do something worthy of being called gifted and talented, then I must be a failure. There’s no middle ground in my mind.
Since I haven’t achieved anything of note yet, I must not have worked hard enough. I must be the student who works below his potential. I squandered my capabilities, wasting them or letting them rot.
And now, with most of my life behind me, I need to somehow make up for all those wasted, unproductive hours during which I failed to apply myself.
The worst time for these thoughts is when I’m already in bed, trying to sleep. Sometimes, I’ll get up and try to work. I will debate getting out of bed for an hour or more, before accepting that I’m not going to be able to relax.
By now, I should have written a great play, authored a novel, published a poetry collection, and been a columnist for a major publication. And that’s just the creative side.
As a tech geek, I should have had some success developing software or a new online platform. I should have been coding something special, something… amazing.
Growing up, I was sure that I’d be successful in both the creative and technical parts of my life. I enjoy them both and wanted to be that Renaissance thinker. Video games certainly need creative writers and programmers. Digital media require technical skills and artistic creativity.
Too many talents, not enough focus, I can hear several of my teachers say.
My bursts of busy energy usually fizzle before I achieve my goal. Sometimes, I’ll finish a project, but never do anything with the completed work.
Busy, but not productive. Exhausted, with nothing to show for it.
I’ve done a lot, friends and family assure me.
And so, when I enter one of these dreadful employment funks, I try to reflect on how my bursts of autistic or ADHD energy and focus have produced works and will again.
My academic career hasn’t been what I hoped it would be, but I’ve been productive.
Two theses and a dissertation. Those are completed products, which I need to convert into new, publication worthy forms. I was productive, or I would not have finished three graduate degrees.
Several published academic book chapters. Definitely completed works. Unfortunately, there’s no income from those papers. Again, maybe I could rework those chapters into something more.
I co-edited an academic text. Another publication, one I have physically on the bookshelf. That’s a product people can buy, even though the market for such works is small.
As a columnist for a small marketing agency, I’ve written 180 published columns on technology and life. People read the columns, sometimes sending along nice emails and even one physical thank you card.
At least six of my stage plays have been produced, with audiences paying for tickets. No, I haven’t made any money from these productions, but how many playwrights earn a living from scripts alone? If six have been produced, that means more could be. It also means I could revise the produced works and try to get those out into the world.
I’m not a published poet, but I was once productive. There are physical pages to prove it. From 1982 through 1998 I filled seven notebooks with mediocre poetry. I would hesitate to call these journals, since many of the poems were more about trying to understand how other people experience the world.
There is no reason I cannot return to writing poetry and short prose. The journals have been largely neglected since 1999, with only sporadic entries. I have wanted to get back to the current incomplete notebook for the last 20 years.
And there are the blogs, the podcast, and speaking appearances. I am productive as The Autistic Me, as more than 1000 blog posts, 60 podcast episodes, and numerous public appearances demonstrate.
In addition to The Autistic Me, I maintain blogs on technology, teaching, economics, and writing. People follow those blogs and subscribe to them, so I am producing content that some people want to read.
What bothers me is that my works haven’t been “successful” in a way that supports my family, much less me. I don’t have a steady income. The blogs, podcast, and publications provide only a trickle of revenue that is far less than the costs we incur.
Had I secured a tenure-track university position, some of the content I produce would count towards tenure. The other content might count as service, promoting the institution, my research, and my publications. What I do for a net loss would have actual career value. That’s frustrating, but a reminder that context matters. What I consider unproductive now could be productive if I had a full-time career in higher education.
Every year I tell myself I need to buckle down, focus, sit my butt down at the computer, and get more things done. Then, after the works are completed, I need to send them to publishers, or I need to self-publish them as ePubs on Amazon and elsewhere. Self-published authors rarely make money, but every penny is one I don’t earn now.
I want to be productive, more than almost anything else. I want some financial success, so I can help my wife and provide a better future to our daughters.
As a writer, I need to focus, finish, and promote all these works I have in bins and on my computer.
Get things done, I tell myself. There are dozens of creative projects I have started. Choose one! Finish the thing. Too many projects get a burst of energy and then… I doubt them. I give up. I move on and hope the next thing I try to create is good enough. It won’t be.
Sadly, even as I prepare this podcast, I wonder if there’s something else I could be or should be doing that might earn some income. Am I being busy without being productive?
Please, let me know if you have any ideas or suggestions. This isn’t the life I wanted, being dependent on Susan for everything.
I know she loves me and the girls. I know she’s tired of my career anxiety. My job for now is to help teach the girls and help them prepare for whatever might come next.
After the girls are in bed, I work. I worry. I try to be productive. I feel miserable because I spend so much energy on projects and ideas that go nowhere.
This isn’t how I want to be: sitting up at 1 or 2 in the morning writing blog posts and editing podcasts with only the slimmest hope my work might lead to something bigger.
Yet, here I am. Busy because I cannot sleep. Autism, ADHD, or both, it doesn’t matter. Busy needs to become productive.
I am Christopher Scott Wyatt, speaking as The Autistic Me.
Thank you for listening.
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