Last updated on November 26, 2023
I hate walking through our house. It causes me pain, literal pain, and severe anxiety. This is no way to live.
In the past, when I was overwhelmed by the chaos, I could leave. I could stop seeing the boxes around the house or apartment. Not right now. Not during the COVID-19 pandemic. I cannot escape the disorder. I don’t want to see it, but I cannot hide from it.
I desperately want our house to be in order. It’s disorganized and things are not where they belong. Things are out of place. The arrangement is wrong. This has bothered me for over a year in this house and it affects my focus and mental state significantly. Again, this problem isn’t new, but it is worse after a year stuck at home.
I feel hopeless. I see the mess around me and cannot stop thinking that we never managed to organize any space. We’ve never felt settled in a home.
I’m at a breaking point. This is one more stressor I don’t need.
We’d never go all Marie Kondo. No way. But that doesn’t mean we can’t do something to reduce the clutter and chaos in our lives.
I want my desk back together, with its return in place. I want my desk in its own space, what would be the “guest suite” since we’re unlikely to have guests.
I want to sit at my desk and use the writing space to get back to writing – on paper, at my desk. I want my writing space. I need my writing space. Not a typing space. Not a dictating space. I need, desperately need, my writing space. My private space.
There are many reasons I haven’t been writing as much as I want, but space is one of the problems. I did write in Pennsylvania, but not as much as I should have. I kept thinking about the incomplete spaces around me.
How did I function in the disorder of our past apartments? In college? How did I do anything? I certainly didn’t function well. I know I could function at least a little bit better.
I want the boxes out of the entry hallway. I want the books, DVDs, and CDs on shelves somewhere. (I now regret, deeply, that I removed many CDs from their cases to reduce the space required. That was a mistake and now it feels like I ruined the discs.)
I want our closets organized better. I want the garage organized.
The chaos leaves me anxious, easily triggered, frustrated… angry. Disgusted with the lack of order. It feels like everything around me is out of control.
A year of the coronavirus pandemic and things are still not how they should be.
The problem is that organization takes time and money. Bookcases cost money. Media storages shelves cost money. Closet organizers cost money. Peace of mind? It costs money.
We also need to declutter, which isn’t easy.
I certainly do not, for any reason, want to part with books, movies, or music. That’s simply not happening. I realize those media require space, but they are non-negotiable for me.
We can, and should, part with some clothes we don’t need anymore. I have a lot of dress shirts. I don’t need half of them. The pandemic proved I don’t need a walk-in closet filled with dress clothes meant for a cool climate. Time to say good-bye to some friends. (Yes, I get attached to everything, including clothes.)
The garage needs a purge. We moved some things we probably shouldn’t have moved. Some, we even meant to leave behind. Time to clear out tools, a carpet steamer, whatever we will not use at least once every two years.
The girls may always have books. I still have children’s books I loved, so I’m not about to just give away their books.
I also still have toys that hold special meaning for me, so I want to be careful about asking the girls to part with toys. But, they have too many toys and the girls will need to help us sort those. We need to free up space in their bedrooms and closets, which won’t be easy.
We have never had order, in any of our homes or apartments. That’s always left me anxious. I’m sick of that feeling, the dread I feel just walking through my own home.
I know there are a thousand reasons why things don’t get done, but other people get their homes in order. I don’t like living with boxes in the living spaces. I cannot do this for another five or ten years. I can’t do this.
The disorder and chaos must be conquered so I can at least function a little bit better.