Last updated on November 26, 2023
Updating some notes on my life, for both personal reasons and to reconsider the aborted autobiography on life without knowing you are autistic, is depressing. A long list of personal and professional failings.
Writing is my refuge, even though I haven’t made a career of it. When I get paid for a column or receive a royalty check, that’s a nice affirmation but not enough to throw a party. The good thing about writing, unlike any other career pursuit, is that it doesn’t cost a lot of money. Paper, pencil, and off I go.
Preparing for my careers was expensive. Teaching requires degrees. Exams. Certifications. College costs money. Exams and certifications cost money. Each failed attempt at a career came at a high price, and that translated into greater emotional costs, too.
I’m not sure if supports earlier in life would have helped or not. I’ve known since 2007-08 and I’m still underemployed and struggling with personal and professional relationships. This is a recurring theme on the blog, too.
The years, the decades, rushed by and now I’m not going to have a career. I’m not going to be anything professionally. I don’t even have the focus and dedication to make this blog and the podcast a career. I don’t have enough to write or talk about on the narrow topic of The Autistic Me.
Many jobs ended badly, some for physical health reasons. I’m not good at establishing my needs and advocating for them in the workplace.
Now that I’m in my 50s, the dream of a career (at least 5-10 years somewhere) is fading. The dream of success as a writer is also fading.
I am a pretty decent father. Maybe because I’m so aware of my failings, I try to be better and better at parenthood. I also want to be a better husband and friend to my wife. Marriage and parenthood aren’t easy, but they are worth it.
Reading through my old calendars and journals, I was optimistic every few years. The problem with flying high is that the fall down to earth hurts a lot. I want to protect our daughters from falls like that. Not every fall — those will happen. I just don’t want them to have a life that feels like one crushing defeat after another.
It’s good to know the blog is read because that also makes me feel a little bit useful.