Last updated on November 26, 2023
“How do you deal with parenthood?”
I understand the question. Children are everything my autistic traits dislike: chaos, noise, arguments, dirt, smells, and much more. There’s one stressor after another.
Every night I reflect on what I did wrong that particular day. There’s an endless sense that I could and should do better. That I must do better for our foster daughters. I must be a much better person than I am, too. My many flaws need to be corrected, and I realize that.
If only more parents realized their own flaws… and tried to improve.
Consider that my autistic needs help our daughters in some ways:
- Routines matter to us, so the girls have a loose schedule that offers predictable security.
- Health matters to us, so we feed the girls healthy foods whenever possible.
- Nature walks used to be part of our routines, too, so now we’re taking the girls for walks.
- Reading helps us relax, so we model reading and quiet activities to the girls.
- Cleanliness matters to us, so we keep our house and the girls relatively clean for a busy house.
- Concrete logic appeals to us, so my wife and I reason (as best we can) with the girls, instead of bossing them around without explanations.
- Safety matters to us, so we teach the girls to be cautious… yet still curious.
There are ways in which my autistic traits hinder parenting, definitely.
- Needing time alone to clear my head and regain focus.
- Having to excuse myself from loud situations.
- Failing to be as emotionally expressive as the girls might need.
- Possessing little (or no) patience for the grown-up world’s silly systems.
And then, we go out in public and I observe other parents. This weekend, I observed parents at a state beach doing all of the following, which we see in other spaces, too:
- Striking a child’s face and back of his legs for not getting ready to leave quickly enough.
- Calling a child “stupid” and “retarded” for leaving behind something at the beach.
- Using a string of the most extreme profanities while screaming at a pre-teen daughter.
- Calling a child “ugly” and “pitiful” in front of friends and family.
- Telling a child you couldn’t be related because the child is so flawed.
There were other behaviors I found upsetting, but the physical punishment and name calling stood out to me. Calling someone “retarded” is always inexcusable. There’s never an acceptable time for such behaviors.
I admit, I’ve told our oldest daughter to use her brain and not be stupid. That’s not good parenting and I’m trying to stop those instinctive moments. When I do make such a mistake, I quickly remind her that I know she’s smart and able to solve problems, but I was disappointed in her actions. Still, not perfect and I know I’ll always ask “Why did you do that?” of both girls when they make some mistakes.
Never, never, never would I tell our girls that they are ugly. That’s unbelievably cruel. How can any parent say that to a child? All children are beautiful. It’s adults who become ugly after a life of bad choices and hate.
Telling a child, “You can’t be mine!” upsets me in ways I cannot put into clear words. We are foster parents. The girls are “ours” and they always will be, no matter what happens to them in the future. They are family. Always and forever. To reject a child is beyond hurtful. It tells the child you’d rather not be his or her parent. How can someone think that way?
No, autistic parenting isn’t easy. I’m not the perfect parent and I relive every mistake I’ve made over the last few years. I worry that I’ve harmed the girls in some way, psychologically, by not being a smiling, happy, always forgiving father figure.
At least I try and I try to be better each day.