Last updated on November 26, 2023
Podcast Episode 0034; Season 03, Episode 06; November 25, 2019
The holiday season includes a lot of sensory inputs, social interactions, traveling, and more. In this episode, I offer a few tips based on our experiences as a family.
Our daughters should have great memories of the holidays. To ensure that happens, we need to guard against triggers that overwhelm both them and me. We have learned that quiet and simple family traditions work for us. The girls and I don’t want or need large crowds, lots of noise, and blinking lights. We need simplicity… and each other.
Transcript (lightly edited)
Welcome to The Autistic Me Podcast. I am Christopher Scott Wyatt speaking as The Autistic Me.
It is the holiday season and for many autistics, including myself, this is a period of extreme overload. It is a time of social overload, as well as sensory overload. It is a time during which we have to contend with most of the things that give us difficulties.
[00:00:36] It isn’t uncommon for autistics to suffer so-called autistic burnout and exhaustion during the holiday period. Let me address some of the issues that I can think of for myself and others. There is a long list, so I hope this helps parents, young adults, and autistic adults looking for some solutions or at least a sense that they’re not alone.
[00:01:07] Coming up very quickly we have Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, Thanksgiving means a lot of things to me that are difficult. The most obvious for many families is travel.
Travel. It can be difficult under the best of circumstances, but holiday season travel means more congestion on the roads, more congestion at airports and train stations.
[00:01:28] It also means more frustration and anger in the vehicles. It’s difficult to drive in some locations during the rest of the year, much less with the extra congestion of traffic that we have during the holidays.
And so I know that [I] and other drivers will be on edge. In fact, that’s one reason my wife and I prefer to stay at home during Thanksgiving — it’s the traffic and congestion involved in travel.
[00:02:02] The travel issues can be ameliorated, a little bit, but not entirely with activities, headphones, and just general comfort items.
Our daughters like to take pillows and blankets with them that they are comfortable with. So they have their favorite little travel pillows that Grandma made them.
[00:02:23] They have their favorite stuffed animals. They each have a small radio and headphones. These are all things that can help. We also make sure that they have tablets or white boards with markers or crayons so they can be busy during travel.
One of the things we don’t do, at least in the car, is food on a regular basis.
[00:02:46] We avoid that. Unfortunately, as every parent knows, if you feed a child, you will soon have to pause to take a break. And during the holidays, that’s difficult.
We do, however, schedule regular food stops, whether it’s fast food or a casual diner, where we have access to restroom facilities and everything that our children might need.
[00:03:07] When were moving from Pennsylvania to Texas, we also made use of fast food and casual dining restaurants.
For that same reason, in airports I have found that it helps to eat there at the restaurant before getting on the plane. That lets the children choose something they will eat.
Invariably, one of my daughters will not want the cookies or the crackers that are offered in flight and then complain that she is hungry.
[00:03:31] Also, it’s difficult because so many people have food sensitivities that go along with autism or sensory processing issues. And so, it makes sense to work around that while traveling.
Once at any holiday destination, but especially, again, at the Thanksgiving family feasts, I always like to make sure there is a space for myself and, ideally my children, that is a quiet room.
[00:03:58] Make sure that it [the quiet space] is far enough away, that television noise and the kitchen noise is at a minimum. It helps to provide an area that can be dark and comfortable. We don’t always have access to things like bean bags and weighted blankets or quilts, but those are excellent to have on hand.
[00:04:18] Again, our daughters travel with headphones and radios. I think that’s an excellent thing to have at the destination, too. Blocking the noise that is Thanksgiving dinner time can be essential for an autistic person or any person with sensory processing.
The Thanksgiving meal is a challenge for those with dietary needs or dietary preferences that may be associated with autistic traits.
[00:04:46] Children, in general, are picky anyway.
Be open to the fact that the child might not want turkey and cranberry sauce and the crispy onion green bean casserole. In our case, we talk to the girls and find out what they want, and we make sure that we are able to fit that in with the overall menu of the holiday.
[00:05:08] Our daughters do prefer turkey breasts, so we make sure that we have a turkey breast prepared. That’s not the same as cooking the whole turkey and serving the breast. It is definitely cured differently and prepared differently, but we know that our little one will eat it. And we know that her sister will eat it as well.
[00:05:25] Working around those dietary things shouldn’t be something where you have to make a lot of excuses to other people.
If the autistic individual doesn’t want the traditional meal or what is being served, I wish that people wouldn’t make a production out of the complaint.
Too often, I have heard well-intentioned friends and family say, “Well, you should eat what the rest of the family is eating. This is a special feast. We prepared this special meal just for you!” Et cetera.
Really, as a parent or an autistic self-advocate, you need to stand up and say, “I’m sorry, but that meal doesn’t quite fit the needs of everyone.”
There is nothing at all wrong with having a healthy alternative.
[00:06:08] I certainly do not encourage giving into the junk food urge that’s so common with all children and some autistic adults.
Certainly, you want to eat healthy, but you want to have an option that you are comfortable serving or eating.
Thanksgiving can be too busy and disorganized for some autistics. I encourage family members and autistic individuals to consider serving the autistic guest or host first. If possible, have a routine.
[00:06:35] Chaos around the table can be disconcerting. Instead of having everyone grab things, be sure that you have either a buffet line or a passing rotation for the food. Make sure that the service is consistent. Make sure that everything feels calm and organized. I know that’s not easy at the Thanksgiving table, but having an organized service helps the autistic individual fit in and be comfortable within that chaotic event.
[00:07:05] I know that it is tradition, at least in the United States, for our Thanksgiving to include football and other sports. [Canada has a Thanksgiving, too.]
I’m not a fan of loud televisions and loud noise. So again, be sure that you take into consideration that some of the noise of television plus people can be too much for the autistic person. That safe room, that quiet room, becomes a nice safety valve to have.
[00:07:31] And, depending on you live, you might live as we do (somewhere like Texas) where stepping outside is fine. I could very easily step outside our current house, into our backyard and avoid anything that is overstimulating me or my daughters. We have a nice big quiet backyard, and I believe that having that space is the same as having a quiet room.
[00:07:57] One of the things that our daughters have wanted [to attend] each year is the Christmas parade.
The Christmas parades.
Again, you’re looking at loud, noisy, crowded places with lights, with floats, with marching bands. Usually with sirens at the beginning as the police go by and at the end as Santa comes escorted with fire trucks and police cars.
[00:08:20] So, all of these things are some things to consider. We absolutely do enjoy the holiday parades, but we try to mitigate the input from the holiday parades by finding areas that are less crowded, less cluttered, and maybe not near the center where some of the performances will take place, but either before or after any performance areas.
[00:08:45] You can make adjustments, such as arriving early. You can have snacks with you instead of what will be sold at vendors. All of these things are possible, and you can certainly make even a Christmas parade something that works well for the autistic individual and the individual with sensory processing issues.
[00:09:05] The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas means lights and music and all those things that so many people enjoy. But, unfortunately, blinking lights cause migraines for me and for many other people with sensitivities. Always take that into consideration when decorating your house.
I don’t encourage or suggest telling neighbors how they should or should not decorate their homes but be sure that you have a way to block lights if they cause a problem for someone in your household.
[00:09:36] I have found that lined drapes and curtains have been a real help in our houses: blackout curtains. They are lined with a foam behind the fabric and it really does block out light. So, if you’re going to be in a neighborhood with blinking lights and an autistic individual responds poorly to those or someone with other input issues responds poorly to those [lights], then having those blackout curtains can be extremely useful.
[00:10:01] Driving around to see the lights, I know is a common thing. We do visit light displays with our daughters because they love them. But, at the same time, we know that they can be distracting and there can be a point of overload.
[00:10:19] I have allowed the girls to bring sunglasses with them. I will often have my sunglasses with me even at night as well. My glasses are also glare resistant, which helps with the light displays. Don’t force an autistic or anyone with sensory issues to go enjoy the light show with you if they’re not going to enjoy it.
The same goes with busy malls and other [events or places] that have a lot of sensory input.
[00:10:45] You might enjoy those, or you might imagine everybody’s going to.
You can enjoy those but remember for someone with sensory processing issues this time of shopping and lights and displays and Santa can be so overwhelming that we need ways to block out that sensory input.
[00:11:03] The sunglasses for light shows worked really well for our daughters.
Also, some of the light shows have a lot of animation with music and speakers, so we do take the headphones with us in the car. The headphones at some light displays actually can tune to the display music and the display narration, but at a lower volume. We really appreciate that.
[00:11:22] And I hope that more light shows take that option, where you can listen with headphones on to block out the outside noise or listen to the loudspeakers if that’s what is okay with you.
Trips to Santa.
This is that time. There are autism and sensory-friendly Santa times at many malls and many stores. Sensory-friendly Santa times mean that they don’t have the loud music.
[00:11:49] Santa is a little quieter and calmer. One of the Santas that I’m aware of in Pennsylvania did sign language, which was fantastic.
Check your local event calendars to see if there are sensory-friendly Santa times.
And even though my wife and I are not religious, we certainly appreciate that many churches offer these things.
[00:12:14] For the last few years, we have gone to a wonderful event at a church in Pennsylvania. Here in Texas, I know the churches offer events too, with both Santa and the traditional nativity story. Those things that are family friendly, that understand special needs children, are priceless this time of year.
[00:12:34] It really helps the children participate in a way that they can. And I wish that more places understood that we do need those low-input, quieter, calmer Christmas events every year.
I try to do something special with my oldest daughter who likes to go to the theater. We have done the Nutcracker and Sleeping Beauty during the holidays.
[00:12:57] There are autism and sensory-friendly productions of the Nutcracker, where they keep the lights a little brighter instead of dimming them; where they don’t have the flashing effects during some of the battles or other transitions that are difficult for little children with special needs; or like myself with [my] adult with special needs.
[00:13:18] I happen to like the child and sensory-friendly productions of some shows this time of year. Even better, many theaters are adding sensory-friendly performances throughout the entire year. So, you might find autism-friendly productions of the Lion King or Beauty and the Beast any time of year, not just at Christmas.
Strangely enough, our youngest doesn’t like Christmas songs with bells, and there are too many of those.
[00:13:45] Be aware that some sounds that are common to the holiday season can be, for whatever reason, upsetting or unnerving to people with those sensory issues. The autistic traits and the sensory processing can require avoiding things like the loud jingle bells and, as I said, other inputs that are all too common as you lead up to Christmas.
Understand that there might be inputs that are too much and you need to monitor for those and then make adjustments.
[00:14:18] My children always look forward to our train set around the tree. That’s a nice quiet thing that we can do around the tree with some quiet music playing. Things like that, activities that are calming and family-oriented, they are fun and allow us to enjoy the holidays with less stress.
We do not do and have not done a large family Christmas with our daughters. My wife and I like the quiet.
[00:14:45] We like this time with our daughters at home. You know, a place, we know we can regulate for them and for me during the Christmas time.
We do try to organize the gift opening very carefully. We take turns. We do it quietly. We do it calmly. We know that the littlest one will get upset if she perceives something isn’t fair, so that’s important to us.
[00:15:09] I don’t like the clutter, so we actually throw the waste wrapping paper into trash bags as we unwrap. I know that that’s a lot for some families; they just sort of make the mess and clean up. They have a lot of fun with it. But I find that just agitating, so we actually keep our Christmas area clean during the unwrapping.
[00:15:37] We make sure that everyone is recognized and we celebrate what each person does get. That helps as well.
Christmas dinner, we go through the same pace as we would with a Thanksgiving dinner. We make sure that it’s quiet and calm and orderly. You know, Christmas dinners are again a very special time. Having that order helps make it special, it’s about the people instead of distracting and the cause of a potential meltdown.
[00:16:00] As you go through the holidays, always take into consideration that it’s supposed to be about the people around you and their needs, as well as what you might enjoy. I know that that can be difficult for families that are used to large and loud.
[00:16:27] It can be a lot to ask. Let’s do it quieter. Let’s do it more organized. Let’s have some control too, instead of chaos.
That’s very difficult for some who just love to go all out for the festival.
I do love that our holidays are spent with our children. Now, that has made the holidays special.
[00:16:48] There is nothing quite like spending the holidays with the children, looking forward to gifts and food. Quite honestly, the pies and the candies that they inevitably receive and consume.
I want the holidays to be pleasant and enjoyable and to make that happen, that means that our holidays and our house will be more organized.
[00:17:18] Year after year, we follow a pattern and that pattern gives our children a sense of comfort and it helps the autistic me. I really do appreciate having things the way that I need them to be.
I hope that these holiday tips help.
I know that everyone with autistic children or autistic individuals themselves, we do all we can to cope through the holidays and the overload that is going to happen.
[00:17:46] I remind autistics and the families of autistics that asking for a timeout is important. Knowing your limits and knowing the limits of the autistic in your life is valuable and a way to help. If my wife notices that I’m getting overloaded or that one of our daughters is approaching overload, she knows that it’s time to quiet things down and take a pause.
[00:18:11] Be aware of the autistic’s needs. Listen by observing and listen to the words, too. If the autistic says, “I’m feeling tense” or “I don’t like that” listen and respond.
This has been The Autistic Me Podcast, addressing the topic of the holiday season.
[00:18:33] I am Christopher Scott Wyatt speaking as The Autistic Me and I look forward to our next meeting. Thank you.
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