Last updated on November 26, 2023
Podcast 0004; Season 01, Episode 04; April 17, 2018
Daniel Sansing, MEd., specializes in literacy and second language studies. He is an Adjunct Instructor of English and a Writing/Study Skill Tutor at the University of Cincinnati, Blue Ash College.
Daniel is also a husband, father, and an autistic individual.
I am honored to feature Daniel as the first Autistic Me interview for The Autistic Me Podcast.
Transcript (lightly edited)
Hello, and welcome to The Autistic Me. I’m Christopher Scott Wyatt.
Today, we’re talking to Daniel Sansing, an autistic individual who is also a parent and an instructor. I think this is important to include in our conversations because, as our previous episodes mentioned, many people assume that autistic adults do not have so-called normal relationships. And I want to bring people into this conversation who have families, spouses, partners and have what we might call normal relationships, for lack of a better word, even though that in itself is a loaded and somewhat problematic way to describe something.
Scott: Daniel, would you mind explaining to the audience your family and how your family embodies neurodiversity?
Daniel Sansing: Well, I would say that we have a lot of bases covered when it comes to [00:01:00] neurodiversity. I really came to the autism diagnosis fairly recently. I was just diagnosed last October, but I had a previous ADHD diagnosis and understand that’s often a gateway. And then really if you look at my situation, probably all the way back to before I started school I had a lot of sensory integration disorder issues. And then, Sonja herself, with ADD or ADHD… And then of course genetically that would probably put us in a spot where we’re going to have kids who are more likely to be neurodiverse.
(Daniel’s wife is Sonja. His children are Kyla, Nurani, Iain, and Maura.)
So our oldest has some executive function disorder. I believe she’s also been diagnosed with ADHD. Our oldest son, Nurani, has ADHD. Kyla is our oldest daughter. She’s 22 and in college. Nurani’s a senior in high school.
Then [00:02:00] our youngest son, Iain would be a sophomore. He’s 15 and he’s nonverbal largely with autism a lot of echolalia. He’ll repeat back what you say, but he’s been using a tablet lately and he asked — he put together the sentence I want to go to McDonald’s yesterday, so that was kind of cool. But he asked twice so we wound up having it twice.
Youngest is 11 and she, I think, originally had ODD and then she got an ADHD diagnosis more recently. We’re probably going to have her screened for autism because she’s got a lot of things that are making it difficult. We actually just pulled her out of school because she was having so much trouble in a traditional school setting.
So with all four of the kids we have significant neurodiversity, for [00:03:00] sure.
Scott: You mentioned that you were recently diagnosed. Did the pursuit of the diagnosis come as a result of your children being diagnosed or was this you seeking a different evaluation based on your previous diagnosis?
Daniel Sansing: That was something Sonja and I had talked about for a while and I also mentioned it. Of course, I was seeing a psychiatrist. I get Adderall, so you got to have an M.D. to prescribe that, and I was seeing her since she diagnosed me with ADHD in 2013. And she’s like, “Well, I’m not into labels and I don’t know,… Do you really think you need to do this?”
I was like, “Yeah! I think that the more I know, generally, the better I feel and the better I do with things. So, I finally had the screening. And I think adults don’t have necessarily as much support right now as we have for younger folks.
I wound up seeing… They don’t see me in the clinic where I was diagnosed, but [00:04:00] the guy who diagnosed me was really successful at Children’s Hospital and then he opened up his own practice. And then I think he has five folks working in the practice with him that all specialize in autism, ASDs, various disorders related to that. But you know, I I’ve gotten some names of some people to check and see if they’re on my insurance. But I have not had anything specific since then as far as therapy because there are just not that many folks who do it, and I’m gonna have to drive.
Scott: You mentioned that the first diagnosis I was in 2013.
Daniel Sansing: Well, no, actually… I … My original diagnosis when I had like full screening and all that was in 1991 and I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. My parents were told I would never leave the [00:05:00] hospital. They said I would live a diminished life and all those kinds of things which wasn’t true.
And then, I got moved from that facility into the care of another physician, who diagnosed me with bipolar disorder, which really didn’t fit.
Then I was treated for depression for the 20-something years in between. But, you know, the doctor who diagnosed me with autism said it was fairly common in the 90s for folks to be diagnosed with schizophrenia first. That’s what happened to me.
Scott: Now, were you married during the time that you were diagnosed with ADD/ADHD?
Daniel Sansing: Yeah, Sonja and I had been married, gosh, already double digits by that point. We’ve been married since 2002. So, I guess we’re coming up on… is [00:06:00] that 17 years? No, 16 years. Yeah, but I had relationships before that. I had many engagements. I was married twice before I got married to Sonja in 2002.
Scott: Do you think that the traits that are associated with autism were barriers to having a stable and successful long-term relationship?
Daniel Sansing: I think there were a lot of challenges. I recently just, you know, reconnected on Facebook with my first wife and we’re sort of at peace and kind of cool with the whole situation because we were pretty young. We were both college undergrads.
I would say yeah, I think I’m a bit of a challenge. And then, in both of those situations that didn’t work out there [00:07:00] were other challenges as well. So it wasn’t all on the autism, but I think it definitely makes it harder sometimes, especially because I didn’t have any idea what was going on.
I think, you know, the more I know about those kinds of things more it will make sense.
Scott: You mentioned something interesting to me: that the autism diagnosis has been helpful because t’s it makes sense and it puts things in perspective. Do you find that this is changing how you’re approaching also your children with the diagnosis?
Daniel Sansing: Absolutely.
I struggle with a lot of sensory integration disorder issues and that’s been the case since I was… I don’t know at least three or four years old. I’ve never eaten any condiments: ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, anything like that. I just have a really strong aversion to [00:08:00] those things. A lot of smells get me, especially vinegar like smells. Sonja likes malt vinegar on her fish, which a lot of people do, but I can’t physically be in the same area as that.
A lot of sounds get me and I’ve started using headphones at work more often now. Every once in a while somebody will ask me, and if I feel like tell them, I’ll tell them, but if not, you know, if I don’t want to go into a big long story, I’ll just say they’re to help me deal with the noise or whatever. I think it’s been very helpful.
Yeah to understand that a lot of the frustration I have and a lot of the pressure that I put on myself I think comes from being a little overwhelmed with sensory input.
Scott: Now one of the things that I hear [00:09:00] frequently is that if you are an individual with children, a relationship, a career, that somehow you can’t be an authentic autistic. How do you respond to that as a parent of autistic children, of neurodiverse children? How do you respond to the idea that you don’t exhibit what people consider to be autistic traits?
Daniel Sansing: Well, what is a typical autistic? I don’t know that we’re all that similar, a lot of us. I think the disorder exhibits very differently in different people. With me, I think that what happened after my diagnosis of schizophrenia was that I sort of sought out and benefited from a lot of social service. I volunteered at a lot of one-on-one volunteering. I think that that was beneficial to me.
And then I wound up working as a newspaper reporter for [00:10:00] four and half years and that also impacted, I think my, outcome. … I got better at adapting. I don’t think I was always… Like I’d still have weird exchanges with people but I think I got a lot better at covering.
You know, we talk about covering and disclosure but covering is something that we do. And I was an actor, as far back as elementary school. And we won State, with our one-act play when I was in high school. I think that I’m good at acting like I know what I’m doing, but that doesn’t mean that I really do all the time.
Scott: And does the disclosure to your children affect your relationships, especially with your older children? You know, to say, “Yes, Dad has similar experiences [00:11:00] and I can relate to you”?
Daniel Sansing: I think it’s helpful for them to understand sometimes that I get overwhelmed by stuff and don’t respond as well as I should, sure.
I think that that’s going to help anybody. Yeah, we just… we have sort of come out of the Dark Ages in a way in terms of mental health and people are finally recognizing that these things are real and you just can’t “tough it out” or go, “Well you just need to go and be around people” or whatever.
That we finally have a realistic view of some of these things and for all of us every day is just managing and getting through the day and that’s that’s true for those of us who have a condition like this involving neurodiversity and it is true in medical conditions, all those things as well.
Scott: I would definitely say that in [00:12:00] our household dinnertime is the greatest challenge because of the sensory overload that I experience. It’s not uncommon for me to get either into a meal or just before the meal and have to say that I cannot be in this situation right now. So we’ve had to explain to the children that sometimes Daddy feels a little overwhelmed and needs a quiet space.
Daniel Sansing: Sure. I’ve spent a lot of time in the basement. I’ve played video games since I was maybe fifth or sixth grade. I had an affinity for that and sometimes that’s what I do to just go and decompress. If it’s really really busy at work and I see a lot of students right up until eight o’clock when I I get off work, then sometimes when I come home, I just have to spend some time alone because I don’t have anything left for anybody else. I mean, I think it’s the covering or the process of just a functioning professionally that’s exhausting because [00:13:00] it’s a lot of noise and activity and all those kinds of things to deal with for hours on end at work.
Scott: One of the questions that my wife and I have received when speaking to groups is why we would choose to be parents and, surprisingly, sometimes it’s almost an accusation. How can you complicate your life and their lives more? How would you respond to those individuals who think that we better off without our families?
Daniel Sansing: Well, wow, you have a lot of really dysfunctional people who are dysfunctional in other ways who are doing it and you know, if whoever asked that question… If you if you looked at their lives with a microscope, you might find out just how ridiculous a question that was. Everybody’s got challenges and [00:14:00] there’s no manual for parenting. Nobody goes into it just knowing exactly what to do. Most of us get some really bad advice from our parents at some point. Maybe some good every now and then but most of it, mostly it’s bad and mostly they just wind up spoiling grandkids anyway. That’s a battle for everybody, but I would say that is a bit on the ridiculous side, I guess.
Scott: One of the things that I have been told is that my wife basically has three children.
Daniel Sansing: Well, I can’t say that sometimes I don’t feel some guilt and I feel like Sonja’s having to deal with me at times, but…. I do dishes. I help around the house. We spread out responsibilities. We’ve done that ever since we met. We were graduate students and [00:15:00] there are a lot of things that I do better than a lot of other guys do because honestly, you know, if they are in sort of a conservative mindset or religiously conservative they may think that the woman is supposed to do all these things. We split the responsibilities. Yeah, there are days when she probably thinks that way, but in a lot of ways, I’m better than other guys she dated when she was younger. So I think we kind of knew what we were getting into.
Scott: You obviously have a complicated situation because you do have a limited verbal child. You have a set of neurodiverse children with different needs. How do you approach parenting as both an autistic and just a parent in general with four children who have special needs that you have to address on a daily basis?
Daniel Sansing: Well, I wouldn’t say that I always get it perfect. [00:16:00] But, I try to get better every day. That’s true of everything that I do whether it’s professionally or parenting or whatever it is. Hopefully, if I make a mistake one day, I’ll think through it the next day and make a better choice. But parenting is complex and you can love your kids and you can give them a chance to learn and give them space to learn in.
All of our kids are high-achieving academically and Iain comes home with awards for free-throw shooting or, you know, he just did a play. So you love and support your kids and if you’re doing that, I think you’re doing what you’re supposed to. But there’s no magic formula and, yeah, everybody gets frustrated and we all make mistakes or say something that we later regret, but just do better the next day. [00:17:00]
Scott: I think that’s good advice for all parents to remember that every child is going to be different. Every experience is going to be different. And whether you are neurodiverse or you are a neurotypical person, parenting is going to be a series of adjustments and corrections.
Daniel Sansing: Absolutely.
Scott: I want to thank Daniel Sansing for appearing on The Autistic Me.
This has been Christopher Scott Wyatt, and I look forward to our next meeting.
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