Last updated on November 26, 2023
Unsolicited advice comes from many directions, including from other autistics.
“You just need to be more patient.”
“You probably don’t understand your daughters’ Neurodiversity.”
“You might not know the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown.”
Our many failings as parents have been documented and relayed to us by teachers, therapists, and social workers. The people without children offer the most advice. I do wonder how their views will change once they confront a 90-pound girl tossing herself to the floor and flopping about like a fish out of water, screaming at the top of her lungs. Books and classes don’t prepare you for reality.
The cliché rings true: Parents know their children best. Susan and I know our daughters and we have a fairly good understanding of Neurodiversity.
We’re dealing a pre-pre-teen. It’s not fun. It’s not Neurodiversity, either.
Obviously, since this is The Autistic Me blog, I know something about the topic. Plus, I deal with ADHD, sensory overload, and anxiety. I understand that sometimes life’s too much to handle.
That’s not what’s happening with our daughters, especially not the youngest.
Sometimes, oppositional behavior is… oppositional. It’s not about ADHD, autism, sensory processing, or anything else. Every parent of a preteen or teen understand this phase. Children test boundaries. Some respect the boundaries, once determined, while others continue to challenge authority figures.
Granted, our youngest is eight, not 13. Yet, she’s really into the moody stage. She now “multibitches,” which is multitasking in whine mode. She can issue multiple gripes and complaints simultaneously. She has always been a drama queen, but the theatrics have become more extreme.
“I’m tired of school. I already know enough. I want to go run errands. Let’s get me something to eat. I don’t want to eat sandwiches for lunch.”
Her first “No!” was a big, exciting deal. After all, it was a clear word with a clear meaning.
As many parents will understand, we are glad that she uses her words to communicate. She still occasionally flings herself to the floor, kicking and screaming. Thankfully, she doesn’t do that daily anymore. Still, she has quite the oppositional streak, and some strong opinions on what she should be allowed to do.
By December, halfway through the school year, she was managing to refuse to schoolwork, chores, basic manners, and pretty much anything she didn’t want to do… which was anything Mom or Dad asked her to do. We could ask her to do something she enjoys and the eight-year-old would decide she doesn’t want to engage in the task. Nope, not if an adult makes the request.
She still throws tantrums when the complaining doesn’t work. The tantrums fail to persuade Mommy or Daddy, too, but she seems to believe they will… someday. Tantrum after tantrum, she ends up still having to do the homework and not getting whatever it happens to be that she was demanding.
We do our best to be patient. We try to “make learning fun” when feasible. That’s not enough for an oppositional child.
Learning isn’t the only challenge.
When we mentioned to a therapist that the little one likes to take junk food from our pantry, the response was: keep some healthy foods available.
I’m sorry, but she’s taking food from high shelves at 2 or 3 a.m. She isn’t taking the fresh fruit from our counters or eating the granola bars. She’s moving chairs and climbing to reach sugary sweets.
The little one has eaten baking cocoa, which I didn’t believe anyone could eat. Not sweet chocolate — baking cocoa.
“You don’t feed me what I want. We don’t eat fun foods. Why do I need to eat dinner before dessert? I want cookies and ice cream. I’ll eat what I want. Later, she’ll complain that we allow her to eat too much and that she’s fat.
If this is her at eight, I can only imagine her teen years.